Monday, May 30, 2005

Rilke Made Me Do It

Have you ever had that feeling of defensiveness when it comes to matters of the heart? There are times when you want to express how you feel, yet you sheath your intentions, because of that nagging fear at the back of your mind that it would be for naught?

Why is it that the "mechanism" of the human psyche tells us to build walls after being scorched? Do you remember the last time you've been hurting inside and vow that you would never, ever experience that pain again in your life? Afterwhich, every single move you made was calculated, almost like you were counting the steps on the stairway of perdition. Ask yourself, how thick are the walls now?

Some chose to cower. Thats what they do inside their citadels of remorse. They look upon the world as if every weary soul that would come a-knocking on their gates would only be like the last. And so they shut the doors tight.

Others chose to sling back the grime. Their intentions were pure before, yet they were put to shame. They plan on paying back the world by making every hapless soul share the same fate. The ugly fate that they had been through. They perpetuate the wrongs until it becomes a spiral that never ends.

Theres even a kind who build the wall for others. Usually, they are the ones who have never met an erring soul, or if ever they did, not enough of them in their lifetime, yet they sow the seeds of caution to those who are just about to take the plunge. A lemming leading others to jump off a cliff...only, he jumps after them of course. (and sometimes, not at all)

I admit, I had been all of the above. I've been an expert bricklayer, but now I'm letting the mortar settle by the wayside, I'm done with walls. I owned the pain I've been through and I've kept them all brewing within me. And how was I to know that I can convert that? You see, pain is like wine, it comes in as something akin to vinegar - all pungent and bitter to the taste-, then you keep it into the barrels of your being and in the ageing process it turns into something you were never really expected. Something marvelously beautiful. Something delectably sweet. Every single drop of hurting I've been through helped mold me to what I am right now. So why go shun that one thing that will better me? I'd say bring it all on. I'd say "Thank You" then, "Next, please."

Who's really happy now? I like to raise my hand -


and toast to that.


[Music of the Moment: Confessions - Usher ]
[Mood: coming to a climax ]

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